I have all these weird feelings building up. 
Maybe it's just because I haven't slept.

I'm paranoid about all of this,
and I care way too much.
It's just that this is all I have now
and I don't want something I fixed to screw it up.

I can't wait until everything's normal
and structured and complete.

I am so much like my father,
and it's helping me more everyday,
but I think i'd kill you if you did that. 

and chances are i'm going to fuck everything in my life up.
forever and ever, no matter how many times I tell myself it's all okay,
no matter how perfect everything is.
I'll find a way to fuck it up,
or to convince myself it's already fucked up.
I'm fucked up, and I still don't know why.
Even when everything is so perfect.

I hate how hard everything is.
I hate that I can't just bullshit my way through.
I hate writing.
I hate reading.
I hate the past.
I hate finding things out.
I hate security guards.
I hate family.
I hate what I've done with my life.
I hate lying.
I hate my mind when I haven't slept.  
I just want to cry. 

Don't get me wrong, i'm happy.
I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
But everything still haunts me.
and i'm so far in, too far in.
I'm going to drown in my own mess.